Now i realised what i've been missing so much recently - my personal space. I needed to be alone for some time, to have some self reflexion moments, to have time and space for my own thoughts to be able to appreciate even more being with someone. It is not that i am completely alone right now, my online life is even more active then usual and my parents are around. But right now for a moment i don't have any responsibility and i feel a bit of relief, i know that soon i will want everything back, so it is good to enjoy this state at least for a couple of weeks.
I even like in a way these moments of uncertainty, not knowing what i will do tomorrow and what country i will be heading to in a month. I like those white nights and going to bed at 4 a.m. , even though it through me off my normal schedule completely and waking up at 12 in the afternoon seems like a huge waste of time. I like that i started to listen to new music, to read and write again, and finally talked to people that i havent talked to for ages.
It is amazing to meet old friends, and to feel like only 2 days have passed since the last time you saw each other. It is great to be in Russia for a bit again, but quite sad that just for a bit. It just doesnt feel that i belong to here anymore. Surpsisingly i feel more safe even in Dominican Republic then here, new generation of people in small towns like Pskov scares me - how it is possible to become developed coutry if most of the girls just care about their high hills and lipsticks and most of the guys wear sports costume all day long and beer boottle seems to be already part of their body. Of course not all the people are like that, and there are those who travel and study and think big, but... they mostly leave the coutry too... And what will happen to all the culture, literature, arts, architecture? Russia is so reach in it, but it seems like now people are forgetting to appreciate it. Probably in St Petersburg it will feel different, we will see.
Also i have a feeling that in DR i closed my eyes on bad stuff, because in the beginning it is not good or bad, it is just different, and as the saying is "when in Rome do like Romans do". You wouldn't come to another country and start imposing your own rules and beliefs, you take it or leave it. And now coming back to Russia i understand that i can't just close my eyes on some of the things going on here and say "i will stay here because it is my country, and if i don't like something i do my best to change it". Now as i can evaluate the mentality from the side, i don't think it fits me anymore and there is not much i can do about that. Patriotism is not a bad thing, but i don't think that the place where you were born defines you completely as a personality, and doing smth good needs to be necessarily for the good of a particular country.
I still admire Russia and some things that only Russian people can understand, our numerous achievements and the way some people are that only russians can be. I miss some things when i am not here, but i feel that i can take it only in small portions now, a months or so every once in a while.
I want to consider myself cosmopolitan and eventually find a way how to do smth that i really like and improve the world doing it. That would be a perfect scenario and i guess it will take quite a while to organize. Anyway, the process has been fun so far, i'll keep it up :)
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